June is a month that gives me a mixture of feelings. First, it’s a month when I finally feel that summer is here and ready to spend some good time with my family. However, it’s also a month when my emotions get triggered more because of my past miscarriage history.
I remember after a few years of trying to conceive, my husband and I began traveling down the frustrating road of doctor visits and infertility treatments. Whenever doctors told us we would never get pregnant naturally, I felt like everything I had ever dreamed of was being taken away.
I felt like I was being punished by not being able to conceive and felt like I was a failure for not being able to be a mom. After three years of infertility treatments, heart-wrenching disappointments, and faith-filled prayers, I finally got pregnant and delivered a healthy sweet boy.
However, since I successfully conceived the first child, I expected it would be easier to have a second child. After my son turned two years old, I was able to get pregnant again without any fertility treatments. Both my husband and I were very excited about the news.
However, within just a couple of months the excitement turned to sorrow. After three ultrasounds, the doctor told us that the baby’s heartbeat could no longer be detected, confirming it was no longer viable. It was a missed miscarriage. He also informed us that the chances of getting pregnant again were slim.
This miscarriage journey was dark, lonely and frustrating. I remember questioning why I had to go through a miscarriage after I had already suffered a lot from infertility. It felt like I had fallen into a very dark pit and could not climb out on my own. I felt hopeless and exhausted about the whole experience, and I kept all of the feelings inside. In the beginning, I did not seek any help.
During this difficult time, I received comfort and support from my husband, friends, and my faith community. They also encouraged me to seek professional help though. I’m grateful that I was able to find a counselling therapist who helped guide me to share, express, and process my feelings.
These counselling sessions gave me a safe space to reflect deeply within myself, allowing me to to be with difficult emotions and to work toward accepting and integrating them.
I was able to recognize my fears and wounds and process feelings of guilt and shame that arose from infertility and pregnancy loss.
Counselling helped me to become aware of my limitations as well as my strengths. With counselling support, my infertility and miscarriage journey has become a huge transformational life experience.
I’m thankful that I was able to find light within the darkness of that time. I can see that in the face of that difficult situation, I had the love and support of my family and friends and I am also grateful to now have a deeper understanding of the suffering and pain associated with miscarriage and infertility. This understanding fuels my compassion to help others going through similar experiences.
Many of us may have had experiences that carry strong emotions or psychological impacts that can resurface when triggered by certain events, people or even calendar dates. Please reach out to people who love you and care about you so that you don’t have to carry the burden of the struggle on your own. It can be so therapeutic to simply share your thoughts and feelings with others who can offer you comfort and support.
Because it can often be challenging for loved ones who are also directly involved and intimate with your reproductive challenges – it can also be so beneficial to seek extra support from a professional therapist or counsellor who can help hold safe space and provide you with some tools for dealing with the challenges of infertility and pregnancy loss. It certainly helped me on my own journey!
Contact us for a free 20-minute phone consultation with Connie about her fertility counselling sessions.
Image IG @nushu
